how do you say, “I’m not okay when you don’t want to say I’m not okay?”
Have you ever heard a phrase that brought back a vivid memory?
If you have, you will understand that when I heard “no one cries alone,” I remembered a sweet friendship memory.
Even though, in the moment, it was more stressful than sweet.
Two good friends and I were in a personal development online coaching group. Our coach assigned us a task that created fear in me, triggering old hurts and traumatic responses. On Zoom, I desperately tried to hold it together and maintain a degree of professionalism during my turn to speak while I stuttered over the lump of fear in my throat. Legitimate financial concerns entwined with irrational fears filled my thoughts, and the moment I was off the call, tears blurred my vision and thinking.
I was in tears, aimlessly pacing with my phone in hand, when I heard something. I unintentionally initiated a video chat with my two friends, and they joined the call.
OMG.
Had I done this? Or, more accurately, what had I done? And what would I say?
“This was an accident; I didn’t mean to call,” I quickly stammered because I didn’t know what to say.
“You are crying, so we are here.” It was a statement, not a question.
It was a short call, and I do not remember all that was said, but I remember how I felt.
Supported.
Understood.
Not alone.
Have you ever wanted to ask a friend if they were ok but didn’t know what to say?
When I listened to the A Little Bit of Optimism podcast with Simon Sinek, I realized that having a predetermined question can benefit us in seemingly awkward times. It can save us from not knowing what to say or accidentally calling someone when we need a friend to talk to.
There is data that when a person is going through a difficult time, all they need is 8 minutes from a friend to feel better. In 8 minutes of holding space, talking, and listening, people can feel a shift in their thoughts.
8 minutes.
How many times have I had 8 minutes?
Always.
Honestly, 8 minutes is available.
I have spent 8 minutes doom-scrolling or trying to remember why I walked from the living room to the kitchen. It is easy to waste 8 minutes. It is nothing, and it is everything.
What if we normalize asking, “Do you have 8 minutes?”
We would feel
Supported.
Not alone.
Better.
But how do you say, “I’m not okay when you don’t want to say I’m not okay?”
Set the ground rules.
Share the story that 8 minutes can help a person feel better with your friends. If you need me, let me know, and I will listen. Remember it is 8 minutes. It is doable.
Be straightforward.
Text or call with a straightforward “Do you have 8 minutes?” This is not the time for small talk; get to the point.
Be a good friend and mean it.
This is a two-way street. Be willing to send or receive the 8-minute question.
How do you ask if a friend is okay (when they are obviously not)?
Send a text, "Hey, I have 8 minutes. Do you want to talk?”. You know, without knowing the reason, something is not okay. A missed event, a strange social share, or a vague response has raised your concern. With a simple predetermined conversation starter, you remove the worry about what you should say by letting them know they are in control of the conversation.
What if we were asked by a friend, “Do you have 8 minutes?”
We would feel
Honoured.
Valued.
Better.
Who are you not to ask a friend for the opportunity to give and receive?
Who are you not to say you are worthy of feeling better?
Who are you not to ask, “Do you have 8 minutes?”
8 minutes.
It is okay not to be okay.
It is okay to ask.
Much love,
Leanne
P.s. My answer is yes.
