What I learned about fear from a 4-year-old.

Imagine for a minute you are in one of the following scenarios:

• You are a caveman, starting your day without a steaming hot double-double, and if that wasn’t scary enough, you see a large snake approaching you.

• You have just snuggled into your hard and cold caveman bed, where it is pitch black, and you hear a terrifying yowl and the unmistakable stomp of a woolly mammoth.

• You hear your caveman's stomach growl while looking at a winter storm and realize it will be a long time until you can go back out hunting and gathering again for food.

Are you wondering what the heck do these scenarios have in common? With a 4-year-old? Even more so, how could they help you overcome fear?  Stick with me for a minute.

Fear is natural.  

We are conditioned to experience fear and run from it since woolly mammoths chased our ancestors. To save their lives, they needed to be hyper-aware of, defend from or avoid scary situations.  Our brains still react the same years later, but the situations are different; our lives aren’t in danger, just mildly discomforted. Our outside world and environment have changed, but our brains are still set to react with caveman protectionism.

Fear can wait. 

Tell your fear to wait its turn.  I created this practice when I was scared of openly telling my story and starting to speak about it publicly.   I started to fall into an old familiar habit, avoiding the task and running around, being busy doing anything but what I should have been doing. Fear was distracting me. 

I had a memory of when my daughter was young flash into my mind.  I was in the kitchen, multiple burners full of food cooking on the stove, the oven timer counting down to when the casserole would be ready, and more food waiting to be prepped.  The counter was full of groceries to be put away from a big grocery sale (because I needed to save every penny), and my hungry son asked when dinner would be ready every few minutes.  This kitchen felt like my life; there was too much going on, too many messes, and too much month compared to money. 

I was distracted.  

My daughter came into the kitchen with a story from her day; I was listening but still continued with my tasks. She was upset about an event from her day; I could hear it in her voice.  I listened more intently, but I was stirring a pot.  She continued her story, and I realized what had started as a small situation for her was taking control of her thoughts and creating fear.  

“I will have to deal with this soon; maybe on the weekend, I will have time,” I thought. 

I kept stirring.

“Mom, LOOK AT ME,” came the demand from my young daughter.

I swung around from the stove and saw fear on my daughter's face.  It did not matter that the situation would be easy for me to deal with; it was consuming her little mind. It did not matter that the fear she imagined was unreasonable; it was real to her. The situation demanded attention, her fear was not waiting for me to be ready to manage it. 

I kneeled down to her, looked into her eyes, and said, “Ok, I love you, I am listening.”

My love overtook fear.

While working through my own fear of being seen in a new and vulnerable way, I created this series of steps to manage my fears.

Six Practices to Manage Fear.

6. Acknowledge your fearful thought

When I flipped the script and thought of my fear as a young child, I could turn my thoughts towards my fear with acknowledgement, “Yes, I see you, fear and know you are there.” 

5. Is deep trauma or deep drama

This isn’t when you are in a deeply traumatic situation or a harmful event. Not the dark night of the soul stuff. This is for when you dramatically scare yourself, stopping yourself from moving forward with overthinking, obsessing, and unnecessarily striving for perfectionism. Or any other way, self-sabotage dramatically disrupts your life. If this is a dramatic fear, then these steps are for you.

4. Talk to your fear

How would you speak to a scared toddler?  With loving kindness or beratement?  When I thought of talking to my fear the way I would have spoken to one of my children, my words were gentle and slow. But my own inner critic was brutal and harsh. I am not trying to stop my fear-based thoughts; I speak with compassion and understanding. I change a non-stop internal dialogue of criticism into reassurance.   

My conversation with myself often goes like this, “I know this is uncomfortable, and you are scared.  That is okay.  You have never done this before, so it is new and awkward.  Not scary, unfamiliar. I will go first; you can watch me do it, then you can have your turn. Fear, you need to wait.”

3. Do the thing.

It is your turn.  You would not ignore a young child in need, nor should you ignore when fear stops you. You need to implement, at a minimum, one action to move you forward as fast as possible.  This action step is no different than the caveman era when they needed to act before the snake did.  Fear is waiting, but it is impatient.  Your speed of action matters. The size of the action doesn’t.  

Try this: One big breath in and out with action.  Try it with me: One big breath in, on the exhale, think or say, “It is my turn; I am doing the thing.” and move forward, send an email, text or call. Google what you haven’t researched.  Put away one thing from the pile. Speak intentionally to the person you are with. Do the thing.

2. Allow fear to have its turn.

You have completed the action and taken your turn.  Check back in with fear.  Like you would check back in with your child, ask fear if they want a turn.  You have just completed an action step and have evidence to prove you could do it again, weakening fear's power. 

Fear has a short attention span; without your full attention, fear often gets bored and moves on. If fear does not get its turn, it will come back in full force.  If fear makes a raging or intrusive comeback, make fear be polite before it gets its turn. Accept that the practice steps can be repeated. It is after all a practice.

1. Smile gently.

Sounds easy, doesn’t it? But what if you would rather claim victory and tell fear to take a hike? When I was creating this practice, I initially wanted to be offensive, silently or loudly, proclaiming, “Screw YOU fear!” A gentle smile was far from my mind. A smirk, yes.  But a gentle smile? Not so much.

If I thought about my child, innocently waiting, I wouldn’t flip her off; I would smile gently, reassuring her that we would be even more prepared for love overtaking fear next time.

With practice, I can flow through these six steps quickly.  Some days, I only need a few steps.  Some days, I need all the steps, and I go slow. Some days, it is hard to start the practice, and I avoid it.  I can feel fear start to be comfortable staying, and I start to run. When I stop to catch my breath, it is always a sign I have been running too hard, urged on by my fearful inner voice.  

And then I remember fear can wait.

Perhaps it is time you told fear to wait.  

Set down the spoon.  

Take off the running shoes.  

Look in the mirror. 

With these practices, love can overtake fear.

Much love,
Leanne